I had lots of meetings today. Four out of those five meetings were with Moms. Collaborating with Moms is one of my favorite things to do, except when they are pregnant. Meeting with Moms who are pregnant is distracting. I sit and stare at their expanding waistline trying to size it up and wonder if they are in their second or third trimester. I wonder if they are having a boy or girl. Single, twin or high order multiple pregnancy? Does her stomach look like a watermelon or a basketball? Throughout these distractions I smile approvingly and give appropriate congratulations. After all, I am a Mom.
I am a Mom who has a beautiful and precocious 11 month old son. But, I am a Mom who wants more than that. I desperately want more children and that takes me back to something I never thought I would feel again: pregnancy envy.
It has finally struck again! Now that I know what I am missing, pregnancy envy is twice as strong this time around while we are trying to conceive (TTC for those of you who are new to this whole infertility thing). This envy is consuming me and causing me to lose sight of the fact that I already have a son. I should consider myself lucky, but I don’t. I am greedy and I want more children running around my house. I miss the newborn cry and reminisce for the time when I saw a first smile, heard a belly laugh or saw those adorable dimples.
Pregnancy envy makes me want all of this again. It makes me miss my swollen ankles and not being able to sleep on my stomach. It makes me miss wearing full panel maternity pants. (I finally admitted it! I am still convinced that none of my friends read our blog so this will be a true test of that.) I would give anything to look at the clock at 7:30 pm preparing for “morning sickness” to strike or wake up most of the night because my little one has the hiccups. Pregnancy envy makes me want every single symptom that I loathed while pregnant, even the unspeakable ones!
I am taking this month off of fertility treatments. After a very rough course of side effects and a near mental break down last month, I need a break to regain my composure, gather my emotions and come up with a battle plan. I need to tuck the crazy lady away and come up with a practical plan to defeat her. Let’s be real, I need a break from Clomid and lots of Cabernet (click here). This is no longer a game. We’ve up the ante and are going to battle to win. Come next month I will win. I will not waive a white flag!